just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
