He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You can't just leave with hair like that
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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