An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
