I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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