Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Randomize
