I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
