I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
