Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
50% drunk capacity currently
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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