Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
this boner is exhausting
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
