can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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