I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
