the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
