You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dick very happy bro
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
