Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
