just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
