what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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