He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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