can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
