I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
