Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
