Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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