There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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