yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
