I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
