Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
