Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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