i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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