do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
