i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
