got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Dear god my vagina.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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