Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
