I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
