like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
