This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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