Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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