we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
