so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
