we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
