I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
