I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
