This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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