I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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