I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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