just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
