And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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