The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
