she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
