woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
