I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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