I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
